New chances

We want to take our time in things. Like when grace has given us a chance in starting over. Serious renewal of what you are and who you are.

That is kinda where I am right now. Though the interesting part is how much of myself is not ready for this. It is a beautiful moment.

Though I plan to look on the bright side of it.

London Grammar - Wicked Game

Sometime along the way, I fell in love with Patrick. An that scares me somehow. Not in a fearful way, but something exciting and new. While I was listening to the original of this song, it hit me how much I didn't want to fall in love with him. That meant being open and honest with mounting trust issues and problems in my head. The stuff that sucks the life out of things. So as I listen to it now, I can be more honest with this love of ours. I fell in love. An it is like this. For the world was on fire. No one can save me but you.

About those Docs

Whoo-hoo!


Doc Martens are here and I'm not sure if it was a wise idea to get them in such a bright color. Then I tried them on. All of that went out of the window.

Its nice knowing you have made inner you happy. It goes a little deeper than happy though. There is something nice in it. Like checking it off a list.


Now to get back to loving these boots.


Cheers.

Seeking out the courage.

I put myself in place of trust, lifted my wings. An followed the wild goose. She said we are going to go many places like Nice, France where this photo was taken. Also Czech Republic , Monaco, Switzerland, Amsterdam, England and Germany. If she had asked me about this before hand, I would have backed out of it. More afraid of it coming true.

Now with the next trip, I found myself in Osaka, Japan. Funny things was this too was a trip that I was afraid of taking. Thinking it would disappoint or make me wonder if I was good enough to do this by myself. With that in mind, I made it my goal to explore as much as possible.

                                          With Osaka it was all about getting lost in the people.
                                         The nightlife and wandering around with no one caring.

 Though I have to say the trip exploring through Europe really took my breath away.
For it lit a fire to go and see the world around me. Some of the photos are from different parts
of Europe. An in the end I found a part of me, that I had forgotten about.

In the end I plan to make more memories and keep going forward.

Kid in the candy store.

That is what I feel like with choices of where to start over and how to began again.

I know I mentioned that computer science and communications would be my double major.

That is again like the kid in the candy store who see's plenty in front of them and doesn't realize that

there is only so much you can buy.

So this is going to be fun. Choosing wisely of what I will give my time to. Now to find out where my candy

is. An with Halloween coming up, I plan to go ham on some candies. Super excited about this year.

Fall is here, the weather is changing. My harvest has come in and I plan to enjoy it.

On a lighter note.

This is the one place where I decided to share out my hopes, dreams and ideas.

Noticed that my post were taking a more serious tone.

Decided that I should leave that on my other blog, where I feel that would reflect better.

The point of the well is full is just that, it is full of the things that I put into it that lift up who I am and

where I am going on this journey.

Speaking of Journey, love the game and the graphics. In one play through I felt like I had lived a lifetime.

The ups and downs of parting with people and not being to communicate with the random other players in

the game. Does make it feel a little lonely. Though when you do experience the game with another random

player. You find even the darkest moments in the game, are scarier. It makes the best moments

sweeter, such as the times where you find the hidden symbols hidden in parts of the landscape. An the

moments of sliding on the desert sands are thrilling, in how you move and flow down the dunescapes.

Another part of Journey is the music, it brings the whole world together.

Even stays with you after you have playing it.

It will leave you feeling lighter in mind and spirit. As I now feel.

Cheers. 

Here's to hope.

Somehow on the fun ride that we call life, I forgot to work on my career.
Funny, never really thought of what I would be doing until late high school.
Nor did I see myself as capable in any sense of the word.

Well there was something, though it was more of a deep wish to make sure that I was happy.

Which is something I have been working on these five years. Now that I have healed and become this happy shiny person. Seriously, feeling happy and shiny ( Firefly reference) is good. There is a wholeness there that was there before. Might help that there is someone who see's me for me.
 All of it, from the need to be brilliant, acknowledged and to be seen as an adult. To the very childish and selfish parts of me that still thinks all the Cinnamon Toast Crunch is mine. To my inner beauty.

Though what I have also learned in the last five years is that I am not fully able to be my work best.
Yeah, I've taught full-time for three years in a field that others have spent five years working towards. That I am lacking in that aspect, which makes me feel like a fake. As if I should just be working at Los Taco Bell for the rest of my life.

Then there is the shame of things, here I am at a point where I should be career settled and I am not.
I still haven't chosen what it is that I will work toward. Normally that wouldn't be a problem, but with me turning forty in seven years. It begins to drain on the psyche. Saps something out of you, that all your little victories haven't added up to nothing.

Though go back about eight years in my life, there was a point where I chose to nail down my career.
I said to myself. We're going to become a P.A. and we're going to get to that point. It wasn't until I looked over my earlier high school grades and noticed that I was severely lacking in the science skills. Where I had just taken college prep classes for the sciences. I found myself around people, who were AP and honors students in the same subjects. I really in a word felt embarrassed about it. Couple that with how I was feeling and the sense of dread that I was a fucktard. Lets say my second  attempt at starting over went to shit. Considering my first attempt was shitty because I lacked the courage to nail down what I truly wanted. Though what I truly wanted wasn't for me anyway, came to realize that I lack the true natural talent that one needs to be a music education teacher. Also that I wasn't that great at it anyway.  Though now as I hit my third attempt at nailing down my career, I find myself looking at nursing as a start. Though I found that it all comes back full circle to what I originally wanted to be. Funny how things workout like that.

The same fear is there looking at me from the corner, like you are going to see that you're not good enough for this career. An I am going to look back at that fear, let it know that I taught full-time as an unlicensed ESL teacher and did my best. Got over my fear of speaking in-front of  others. I think I will do fine. Though the little girl who had no one expect anything from her is also looking at me, afraid for my failure, worried that we'll embarrass ourselves like we did for the Governor's School of Music audition. Or that someone will be angry at us for not being all that we can be, because we are afraid of achieving something.

An then I will hug her and let he know that this time were good to go. We've got faith and hope that I will be okay. We'll soar. Or at least have a stable job, just not at Los Taco Bell.